The Cellar » This is making my heart hurt right now

monster · 4/01/2021 7:51 pm

I started doing Parkrun about 19 months ago, met a nice community of people. There are a father and son (let's call them The Fastgon family) who were so fast someone coined the term "Fastgonned" for when you got lapped by them (and they'd take time to say "hi" as they went past) -the 5K run involved three laps of a pond plus a bit so many of us were fastgoonned frequently- and that term is now in common parlance. The son was the fastest, aged 19 or so. He committed suicide yesterday. I am sad. To put it mildly. One is too many but this is way, way too many. My boys have been to two funerals of their friends who chose to end their lives. My oldest boy is just about to turn 22. This was bad enough pre-pandemic, and now these young people are isolated socially, and struggling in virtual college classes and... and I don't know. I hesitated to post this because I know we lost one of our own here, but that's akin to not talking about it and clearly we must. I know we always see the past favorably, but no-one I knew at school took their own lives. I feel like there must be something we can fix... but what? We can't even fix mass shootings and racism and covid and and so how can we fix things we just can't see at all until it's too late. Sorry. I just needed to talk to people who didn't know him. I barely knew him, really, he was cooled down and ready to go home by the time I finished and a teenager with a zillion and one other things to move on to. But he volunteered regularly so we all took great joy in Fastgonning him when he was timing (and therefore stationary -the only time we could). Sorry, i gave up paragraph breaks for lent, I think. Thanks for listening. again.

Flint · 4/01/2021 11:02 pm

I mean honestly I don't even know what the ƒuck anymore, so yeah.
Why is it like this? They're supposed to have it better than we did.

Limey · 4/02/2021 5:35 am

Oh how sad. I don't know what the answer is. You can suspect something's not right, offer an ear, offer practical help and none of it helps. But then sometimes it does help, so all you can do is stretch out a hand if you suspect it might be needed. Even if it's not grasped and the person sinks.

griff · 4/02/2021 6:12 am

We seem to be getting something very wrong as a society. I can't wrap my head around it. It's heart-breaking.
https://ourworldindata.org/suicide

Last edited by griff (4/02/2021 6:17 am)

monster · 4/02/2021 8:13 am

This totally invaded my sleep. My entire time in bed seemed to be an extended nightmare about this poor family

glatt · 4/02/2021 10:39 am

It’s complicated, and I don't understand it well enough to articulate it as well as I would like, but I think that as a society we have lost a sense of purpose and community, and sitting in our houses alone during the pandemic is only adding to the problem.

More of us used to feel like we were part of something bigger. I think as humans we want to feel that way, and when we don't, it leads to alcohol and drug abuse and suicide and even in extreme cases, the mass shootings. This is kind of a kumbaya sentiment, but western society's pendulum swing toward the individual's rights, me-first, capitalist ideal has swung too far in that direction, and we need to follow the voices that call for putting the community and needs of others higher in our priorities. We feel like our lives have meaning when we are working toward a common good goal that helps further society and gives us connections with others. It's got to be a good goal, because I think the tribalism of politics is an example of people trying to feel like they are part of something bigger, but that leads, when taken to the extreme, to BLM violent protests and Capitol Hill terrorist insurrections.

We used to believe that our government and institutions were good and were furthering the Great American Experiment. But over the last several decades, scandals have rocked virtually every institution, and we no longer believe in the good of any of them. We are less naïve, which is good, and yet we miss feeling like we are part of something. We want to connect. We want to be part of something worthwhile.

It’s harder now, but I think we still can connect and be part of something bigger. As a personal example, I love to be able to help other people. When I donate blood or when I used to volunteer with an organization that would install handrails for elderly widows, or when I was mentoring boy scouts, that's when my life felt like it had the most purpose. Raising kids too.

Basically, service to others, with others, especially service that you enjoy, is the best way to avoid the feelings of pointlessness of life. I'm not saying I'm better than anyone else when I am serving others, I'm saying that it's a recipe for feeling like you have some purpose.

(I'm scheduled to bag food at the food bank on Saturday, and I'm really looking forward to getting out of the house and standing at a table shooting the shit with others as we do something to make a little difference in the lives of others. It will be better than pecking away at these computer keys in an effort to make one corporation a little wealthier than others.)

Clodfobble · 4/02/2021 11:50 am

I agree, and I think part of the reason we've lost it is American religion fell prey to the same self-esteem-promoting instincts that society in general did. They were losing the youth because they couldn't fathom things like accepting gays and gender equality, so instead they spent several decades trying to make church "cool" and emotionally supportive--i.e., something church does for you--rather than holding on to their more important role as something you do for others.

Clodfobble · 4/02/2021 11:51 am

Also, monster, I'm so terribly sorry for your loss. I have kids who struggle on and off with depression, and it keeps me up at night. I wish there were better answers.

Diaphone Jim · 4/02/2021 12:26 pm

The thing is is that if he had been killed by a friend or stranger, crushed by a falling tree or died of covid, you would never wonder what you could have done to stop it.

monster · 4/02/2021 2:24 pm

Thanks all, it just helps to be able to put words to the feelings really. I think I maybe only ever spoke to the guy once really, but he was a part of the group, you know. Sociable. friendly, outgoing. So whatever his demons were they were hidden at Parkrun or stayed at home. But Parkrun hasn't met for over a year. we all run/walk individually and report our times. He did not join in that, his dad did. I think you're right, Griff and Diaphone Jim. We do need community and it does help if we know we couldn't have prevented it. My older kids are definitely both suffering from the pandemic-inflicted isolation depression combined with the loss of their dad, right when they were already at the young adolescent stage of adriftness in the world

griff · 4/03/2021 7:23 am

I think you guys have collected some of the main pieces. Glatt is on to something at the individual level and UT/Clod at the societal. Despite my lack of belief, I maybe could have stuck with religion but the Catholic Church went all-in on the culture war which probably makes sense if you think your Truth isn't malleable. I'm going to try to focus on the glatt angle. I think a lot of us exhaust ourselves just getting through the work week and feel like we have nothing left for our community. We need a kinder gentler movement in this country so our values and actions feel more aligned.

monster · 4/03/2021 9:36 pm

So today we did our regular "Virtual" Parkrun in his memory. Several of us walked and ran at the regular place, slightly staggered times and socially distanced and taking slightly different routes. And his family came. And ran. and some of his school friends. There's a place where we all dump the layers we strip off as we go so we can grab them as we exit the loops to head for the finish. They dropped his high school track team sweatshirt there so his name was showing. And we all got Fastgonned by his brother. And as we posted our times, people shared memories and everyone said the same -how he streamed past us and looked like he wasn't even trying, taking time to say "hi John" "good job, Mary" and give a thumbs up. Someone posted the best picture series of another (pretty fast) runner getting Fastgonned. His dad also posted results for today and shared about the last time the family ran together on Tuesday. It was tough reading. But I think it helped us all a little. As much as anything can.

monster · 4/03/2021 9:56 pm

from his dad's post about their run on Tuesday:

ran without his shirt as he loved to do. I know he really enjoyed the run, but it apparently wasn’t enough. He was struggling more than I knew.

At first I thought I should blur the faces somehow, but the expressions are what makes this, and it is posted publicly so..... Getting Fastgonned:

monster · 4/03/2021 9:58 pm

Those pics make me laugh and cry at the same time

griff · 4/04/2021 6:14 am

Limey · 4/05/2021 2:54 am

Flint · 4/06/2021 12:57 pm

Undertoad wrote:
i am a life-long atheist and now i believe that the loss of religion is devastating

and as people try to find replacement religions, when they can't possibly even have a sense for what they are trying to do, it is really kind of dangerous

religions should be redefined and re-centered instead of abandoned

we can no longer believe in sky daddy who judges us. but we can believe in the importance, power and potential of the human race

I think about this a lot. There's a big hole right in the middle of us where we used to be steered by stable moral guidance. Those institutions didn't do a good job of keeping in sync with what people needed, and they did an even worse job of appearing to sincerely care about doing a good job.

It's unavoidable that things move faster now, because the rate of information exchange. And you don't want a moral institution to jump on every new trend (this week at church-- Keto diets!) but for FSM's sake nobody wants to hear their wife-beating, racist grandpa's opinion on being a good person.

Flint · 4/06/2021 3:22 pm

They marketed so hard, the reasons that you should be convinced to follow, that are no longer convincing, and the reasons you should not stray from a strict--important! set of guidelines, that they've forgotten the reasons for, and eventually forgotten the lessons altogether, leaving an empty shell of YOU MUST FOLLOW AND DO THIS, but with no "this"

monster · 4/06/2021 5:34 pm

OK services are Saturday. How high church is Lutheran?

griff · 4/07/2021 6:25 am

It's going to look a lot like a Catholic or Episcopalian service. It should be pretty short.

Last edited by griff (4/07/2021 6:25 am)

monster · 4/07/2021 10:56 am

so pretty high church but no long eulogies? thanks

I'm kind of leaning towards not going at the moment, even to he visitation. It's kind of borderline on the covid exposure side, not sure if I'm going to go but it helps to be forewarned in case I'm in a last-minute decision situation

footfootfoot · 4/07/2021 12:32 pm

monster wrote:
Those pics make me laugh and cry at the same time

If the backstory wasn't so tragic they'd make a great image macro meme. If that's a thing.

It is so, terribly sad Monster. I'm sorry for your loss.