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6/20/2021 12:58 am  #1


Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

I need to spill all this somewhere, so you guys get it.....I'm sorry.  

Some back story: my father had a heart attack, but ignored it about 20 yrs ago.  Decided that chewing tobacco saved his life because it restricted his arteries and gave him chest pain.  He still worked his whole shift at the coal mine.  He ended up with the artery they call "The Widow Maker" 90% blocked.  From that point on, he was in the hospital yearly/bi yearly because he would eat the exact opposite of what he was supposed to in an effort to kill himself via food.  Selfish mother fucker.

More back story:  I wanna say around 10 yrs ago, my mother had sudden open heart surgery for a QUADRUPLE bypass.  The "only symptoms were she was tired" according to her and my father.  As a result of the surgery, she had a stroke.  I was in town right after the surgery when she was in the hospital and when she came home.  I found out she was having pain when a home care nurse came in and my father told the nurse about it.  They hid it from me, I just saw a lot of whispering and got ignored when I asked what was wrong.  I was completely in the dark.  I decided that there was no reason for me to be there if they're going to hide shit and I went back to NC.  She never completed her stroke rehab.  She never completed her cardiac rehab.

Last year, my mother had a third or fourth stroke in July, the second in less than 3 months.  Because of the short time between the episodes, they couldn't give the medicine that they normally give in those situations.  In August, I convinced my father that he couldn't care for the dogs and that I should take them.  I said if I did, I wasn't giving them back.  See the Dogs thread for the whole story.  My mother never knew that the dogs were gone.  What he was telling me is that he was at the hospice home (outside because covid) constantly.  Her mother passed away from Alzheimer's and she said my entire life that she never wanted to be that way.  I had family calling me and telling me she was the same as my grandmother.  We knew my father was lying to us, again, even before they told us.  He kept her alive for selfish reasons.   We finally convinced him to give the hospice order.  And she was gone....the day before my brother's birthday.  My mother passed away in October 2020.   I decided not to go to PA because of covid, but my brother drove from TX to be there.  My father was not as appreciative as he should've been.

March 2021 - He calls (maybe texts - it was a rough couple days) and says he's in the hospital..  He has a living will and I have power of attorney (as the youngest of three).  I got the paperwork and signed it in February.  It takes 2 days before the surgeon is calling me to say that I need to get there as soon as possible.  I get into his email, get his bank accounts, etc.  I drive up the next morning.  I find out he's on a Bipap machine which is used for forcing oxygen into his lungs.  It's so bad that when he takes it off to drink water for around a minute, his O2 level drops to 60% or less.  He can't talk, but he's mentally aware of what's happening.  He asks me if he's dying and I tell him yes that he waited too long (he killed himself with food).  I talk to the hospice worker and find out that he's been in the hospital for A FUCKING WEEK before he told his kids.  My mother's cousin, who was trying to help keep the house in order, had been telling him for TWO weeks that he needed to go to the hospital.  She promised him she wouldn't tell us (which I have issues with, but it's too late).  When he found out he was dying (he asked me via paper and pen and I said yes), he wasn't worried about his kids, he wanted me to call some random woman.  I told him NO and to text his fucking son who he ignored 2 days prior.  I gave the "order" to put him in hospice.  I hate the man, but still cry while I'm discussing it.  I can't deal with see him make the panic, wailing noises he does when he sips the water.  I tell the hospice nurse this.  She understands.  She's awesome, but I didn't know that when I initiated hospice that it was immediate restriction of medicine and care.  My mother's cousin finds out and texts me to see if I want her there.  I didn't answer in time (I was still with the hospice nurse), so she said she was on her way.  I was ok with that.  I was not alone.  He fucked himself up so bad that he was basically brain dead by the time he got to the hospice room - it was a 3 floor elevator ride.

I didn't expect him to die the same day I got there, so I was unprepared.  I had just been there in December and the house was not bad, but not great (as it was for many years when they refused help).  Shit needed fixed, but when I was there in March, ceilings leaked, toilets leaked, poo in carpets, crap EVERYWHERE, food rotting in the fridge, shit ton of medicine that was filled AFTER MY MOTHER DIED.  I cleaned out the food and the fridge and some more.  I came back two weeks after for two weeks 

During this time, I found multiple paid memberships to dating websites.  I found a sad bucket list he started the month before my mother died  Emails to someone he worked with that basically said he expected to get money when he married my mother because her parents were rich, but didn't get the hand out he expected.  He also said that he wished he had met this woman at a different time in his life so he could've been with her.  She did not discourage him knowing he was married, which I think is a fault with her.  Found out that he did NOT spend as much time with my mother as he said he did when she was in the home she died in.  He did, however, spend a 4 day weekend in a hotel with a woman over valentine's day weekend less than 4 months after "the love of his life" died. 

I don't know why I made this post, but I needed to tell someone EVERYTHING.  He wanted me to call a random girlfriend, he fucked some rando over vday weekend when he was texting me trying to commiserate over being single, he was a member of many dating sites,  he never spent time with my mother when she was dying, he wanted all my mother's jewelry out of the house because he didn't want my sister in law to get anything - like, he seriously said "I don't want x to get anything".  Like I would be that selfish and if x wanted some jewelry, I would totally give it to her.

I'm trying to close the estate as soon as possible.  even though my brothers don't care, I'm documenting all transactions from the estate account.

Because he made me his executrix, I've been paying the lawyer, the house utilities, taking care of the lawn, auctioning off the crap in the house (after we took what we wanted)

 

6/20/2021 6:26 am  #2


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

I'm glad you dumped that, it is too much to carry. peace


If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis Brandeis
 

6/20/2021 11:22 am  #3


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

Wow.  So sorry bbro. What a horrible thing to deal with. " I hate the man, but still cry while I'm discussing it. "

How I never want to be remembered.

 

6/20/2021 12:31 pm  #4


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

I'm sorry for all of it, bbro. It sucks when our parents can't be the people we always hoped, even in those cases where we always knew that they never could be. You're doing a noble deed, taking care of the estate with good grace after he did nothing to deserve it. I hope taking the high road gets you some closure, at least. And I'm glad, again, that those dogs have someone good-hearted to take care of them now.

 

6/20/2021 5:52 pm  #5


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

hey bbro

wow, good lord, that's a lot.  A. LOT. I don't really know you, completely don't know your family, but I can read.  And I've been around that track a couple times.  You are earning a gold medal and a parade and whole bakery of cookies as a down payment for your efforts.  I hope I'm not intimidating you, I am trying to confirm that Yes, that is several metric fucktons of the worst possible shit, delivered in the worst possible way and that you deserve credit for remaining sane.  Everything else is above and beyond and a credit to your character.

Keep up the good work, come here as needed to unload or what-the-f-ever.
 


Be Just And Fear Not
 

6/20/2021 7:38 pm  #6


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

The situation you are in happens to a lot of people.
How you got there probably happens to more than we know.
But that doesn’t make it right, not one little bit.
You have every right to be angry, mad as hell even.
Thank you for taking us into your confidence.
 
Your only consolation is it’s all over but the paperwork.
Well that and two puppies who know how good hearted you are.
Hopefully writing it down helped release some pressure.
I’ll bet going back and reading it in a year or two may help too.
 
Personally I think beneath that sometimes gruff demeanor lies a heart of gold, and I hope your future is much brighter/happier.
 
Let me know if you want me to mansplain why your dad was coping online. 


 Freedom is just another word for nothin' left to lose.
 
 

6/20/2021 8:08 pm  #7


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

Thanks all.  It's been festering a while.  My brothers know most of it, but I can't tell them he wanted me to call some other woman instead of trying to contact his kids when he knew he was dying.  I also didn't tell them about him telling my mother's cousin that he didn't want my sister in law to get anything.  I don't think it would make anyone feel any better and there's no point in making them feel worse.  He probably would have.  He was a mean person and enjoyed it.  

When I said my brothers don't care, I mean they don't care about the estate, house, trying to get money or anything out of the estate.  They trust me to take care of it and no one is hurting for money or anything.  Not that there is much there.  Luckily, only the house is left.  I've already accepted a cash offer for asking price because we want to be done as soon as possible.  They took out an equity load years ago so most of the money will be going to pay that.  Luckily, they had amazing insurance (which makes it more ridiculous that they never took advantage of it), so there's no bills to pay except one for $20 

I really think my parents were both mentally ill and were the perfect storm of co-dependence.  No matter how many times we suggested it, going to a dr was never an option.  We were laughed at.  I remember when he would stand directly behind me when I was sitting in a chair watching tv (it was in a doorway) and I asked if he would move, because it made me uncomfortable.  Of course he didn't.  Instead he got angry and yelled at me for asking.  I'm sure he said something about it being his house or something.  Any time he would stand behind me regardless of where I was sitting, I would move.  I mean, who does that??

@griff - Thanks
@glatt - I think it takes a lifetime of being shitty person to be remembered like that
@clodfobble - Thanks.  I think it's helping me some.  I still get instances of "Oh shit, did I do this right?  Should I have kept more stuff?" etc
@undertoad - the level with which they neglected themselves was nuts.  They always wanted to complain about everything, but never do anything to fix it.  Honestly, their bad health is why I decided to start really trying to lose weight and work out more.  It did help to share
@bigv - Thanks.  Definitely not intimidating me.  I always wonder if I'm blowing things out of proportion in my mind.  I think I'm hypersensitive to it because that's what they would do - make every little thing a HUGE issue
@bruce - Thanks.  It is over and I'm starting to realize it.  The most recent mother's and father's day have been the least stressful I've ever experienced.  It wasn't a gruff exterior.  It was meanness plain and simple.  

Last edited by bbro (6/20/2021 8:09 pm)

     Thread Starter
 

6/20/2021 11:30 pm  #8


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

Not their gruff exterior, yours  ... but the heart of gold is definitely there.
Glad it's getting better, and hope it continues.  you go girl! 


 Freedom is just another word for nothin' left to lose.
 
 

6/21/2021 5:13 am  #9


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

Bbro - yes, that is a fuckton of shit to deal with.
Adding my sympathy, and willingness to be a listening ear (reading eyeball) to ease your burden anytime.
I will also add that as executrix you are expected to pay the legal bills etc out of the estate, and then divvy up anything that is left. You are not expected to be out of pocket on this. It is good that your brothers trust you to deal with this - keep notes and records and make sure that all relevant expenses are paid by the estate.
Hugs.
 


Living life on the edge.
 

6/21/2021 5:28 pm  #10


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

bbro wrote:

Because he made me his executrix, I've been paying the lawyer, the house utilities, taking care of the lawn, auctioning off the crap in the house (after we took what we wanted)

Limey wrote:

I will also add that as executrix you are expected to pay the legal bills etc out of the estate, and then divvy up anything that is left. You are not expected to be out of pocket on this.
 

Everything everyone has said and totally THIS ^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

I knew something was bothering me about that sentence but I'm sorry I spaced out and never said anything


I'm sorry you are going through this shit, hang in there, it's almost over
 


The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity  Amelia Earhart
 

6/21/2021 5:33 pm  #11


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

@bruce - OH! I got ya ;)   Thanks!  Some meds from my doc helped, too :D

@Limey - There was not much money when we started: all the bank accounts had me listed in trust which means I got the money outside of the estate.  I used that to retain the lawyer until I could get some cash from a car sale and the auction.  I'll tell ya what - he ain't cheap, but he's worth it.  He's doing things like filing the taxes, chasing down any outstanding debts, etc.

I tried to split the bank account money 3 ways with my brothers, but one of them didn't want any.  So I split it in half with one brother.  I've got everything documented in a spreadsheet with notes on why someone was paid if it wasn't a company.

     Thread Starter
 

6/24/2021 1:38 pm  #12


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

Ok - so FUCK PNC Bank.  Seriously.  They are the absolute WORST!  I took death certificates and short certificate (proving I'm Executrix of my father's estate only) TWICE.  They continued to send stuff to my dead father addressed to the Estate of My Mother for the insanely large equity loan they stupidly gave my parents.  I cannot indicate any type of responsibility to that estate because it doesn't fucking exist and I don't have the legal right to anyways.  I told my lawyer.  He sent in a letter stating my father was dead and to send all debt information.  YESTERDAY I get a letter dated LAST WEDNESDAY saying that they've found out the family house is vacant.  They're going to take it over ie: change locks, mow lawn, etc unless someone indicates intent.  AGAIN ADDRESSED TO A NON EXISTANT ESTATE.  The best part??  THE FUCKING DEADLINE IS MONDAY.

I hate this bank so bad.  I will never ever ever use them after the estate account is closed.  They're fucking horrible.  I'm in the process of selling the fucking house closing on July 6th and they're going to fuck it all up.  I'm making a list of the shittiest experiences I've had with which companies and they're at the fucking top.

     Thread Starter
 

6/24/2021 4:39 pm  #13


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

Yes sir! FUCK ‘EM.


Living life on the edge.
 

6/24/2021 7:50 pm  #14


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

seems like the lawyer needs to step up here first thing
 


The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity  Amelia Earhart
 

6/24/2021 7:51 pm  #15


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

I have found going into the bank and making a (tearful if possible) scene helps way more than it should.  It's just hard to live with yourself afterwards, but that eases fairly quickly......


The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity  Amelia Earhart
 

6/24/2021 7:53 pm  #16


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

and yes, PNC was one of those banks...... they really do suck.  

Try pulling out a checkbook like you're intending to pay shit off as soon as you've spoken to someone........ 


The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity  Amelia Earhart
 

6/28/2021 7:45 pm  #17


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

@monster - I sent it to the lawyer and followed up with a call on Thursday.  Unfortunately the lawyer is out of town.  He was communicating with his legal aide, though, and they sent in a fax and attached the letter again.  The realtor doesn't seem concerned, though.  She said it takes forever for them to actually do anything.  I'm hoping they can move slowly so the house can actually close next Tuesday

I got a copy of everything the lawyer sent/resent today.  I actually misspoke (so much paperwork gets mixed in my brain).  They sent a letter stating that the estate of my mother didn't exist anymore and that as my lawyer, everything should be sent to them.  So this is actually the SECOND time they're notifying PNC.  The lawyer is obviously pissed. 

And if you noticed, it took one day to get here from PA.  So there is NO way that letter was actually sent on the day it was dated.

     Thread Starter
 

6/28/2021 8:18 pm  #18


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

I wish you all the best with it, you deserve a flipping break!  Good Luck!


The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity  Amelia Earhart
 

6/29/2021 4:05 pm  #19


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

monster wrote:

I wish you all the best with it, you deserve a flipping break!  Good Luck!

Thanks!  Luckily, this is the last *major* thing I need to worry about.  Then I have to figure out the rest of the bills that need paid.  That should be simple as a lot of things were in my mother's name.  And the lawyer will help with that.  He also does the estate tax return, so that's one less thing for me.

     Thread Starter
 

7/01/2021 7:48 pm  #20


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

In the latest shitshow with PNC, apparently they won't talk to anyone who isn't responsible for my mother's estate.  Even if that person is dead.  It doesn't matter to them.  They are REALLY trying to foreclose on the house.  They contacted someone to change the locks today, but luckily he knew my realtor so he contacted her first.  She was able to delay it a week.  The other good news is that the dye test failed.  Now, there's work to be down on the downspouts before they can test again, then it leaves the shitty sump pump my father put in when we were young.  I remember getting yelled at while working on it and told we weren't allowed to tell anyone he was doing it.  So, you know, not a lot of confidence in that build.

I am already thinking about what happens if the dye test fails again and the closing doesn't happen.  I'm going to just let the bank take it.  Fuck any profit.  We don't care.  I'm pretty sure there's enough in the estate account to settle all the other bills.  

Fuck.  PNC.  So hard.

     Thread Starter
 

7/01/2021 9:25 pm  #21


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

OFFS I am so sorry
 


The most difficult thing is the decision to act, the rest is merely tenacity  Amelia Earhart
 

7/02/2021 7:11 am  #22


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

Such a PIA! Sorry.


If you would only recognize that life is hard, things would be so much easier for you. - Louis Brandeis
 

7/02/2021 11:53 am  #23


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

Thanks

I took today off work because my mental capacity is maxxed out.  I'm eating a small amount of comfort foods, doing some linoleum carving (on a fake linoleum square), painting, petting dogs (not at the same time), and basically whatever the fuck I want with no responsibility.  I'm thinking of going shoe shopping, too.  Possibly dye my hair.  WHO KNOWS!  One way or another it will be over Tuesday

     Thread Starter
 

7/02/2021 12:00 pm  #24


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

Shoe shopping FTW!
(Fuck'em)


Living life on the edge.
 

7/02/2021 3:33 pm  #25


Re: Executrix and everything that goes along with it (CW: Death)

bbro wrote:

I don't know why I made this post, but I needed to tell someone EVERYTHING. 

Jesus.  No worries, you sound like you REALLY needed to vent.
 


Weaponized Funk
 

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