I think it's very common to feel guilty about not feeling "sad enough," even when there isn't estrangement at play. No one gets to tell anyone else how to do grief the right way. I'm glad we get to be here for you in whatever way you need.

Banana lady was Beest's mom.

glatt wrote:

Sorry monster.  Hell, it's 3 days later which tells you how out of touch I've been. I'm realizing now I have no idea if you have siblings or other family that would have been paying closer attention to her status and alerted you to her death.  So you had to figure it out yourself that she died, huh? Nobody contacted you?

wait, was this banana lady? 

No, as Clod said, not BL -a much more maternal figure in my life.  The whole bio fam disowned my actual mother. I was the last one standing and ducked out when I moved here by "forgetting" to update with permanent address once established.  Her behavior and lifestyle were becoming a threat to our young children. I do have a sis in UK ....who thinks she was the only one who had to deal with the nutsoid BS but in reality was hardly touched........ but that's another story.

I found out COD today -tongue cancer.... imo consistent with her self-medicating lifestyle (see later...).

She appears to have had someone track down my sis and I last year.  In light of this new knowledge, I'm suspecting that was after diagnosis. Sis suddenly started accusing me and BL of "giving her up" and we didn't know why.  But earlier this year I got a long letter from the maternal element updating about her life...... postmarked two days before my sis went nuts.  A few weeks back a care home called and left a message on my landline  answerphone (which I keep for just such purposes) and I did call back but they were not actually able to tell me very much other than she really "wasn't very well" and had asked sis and I be contacted but they only had a number for me.  They would only tell me it was given to them by "Her friend".

Turns out the hardest thing I had to deal with was telling sis, because I thought she would hang up the minute I mentioned who the call was about, but she didn't ...and later messaged that I did a good job and thanks.

Today's news is will and possessions and everything is totally being dealt with by lawyers, I don't have to go at all.  So I won't.

No longer feel weird, realized I mourned the loss of a mother years ago -probably when I chose to live with my Dad (aged ?13) ...and then my Grandmother because he was a twat too.  So it really is OK that I don't feel a hell of a lot, I did it already.

When BL goes -that will be a whole different kettle of shit ...

IMO, my mother was undiagnosed bipolar who self medicated (with booze, mostly) ...but she also always expected people to take care of her and was an absolute fucking drama queen who felt she deserved the life of royalty.  After divorcing my dad, she married a couple older/less healthy rich men who died on her. I'm pretty sure Munchausen's By Proxy is in there somewhere too.  I spend so much time at alternative healers as a child because the regular docs said I was fine.  No wonder they didn't ask me to write the obit. 

That was pretty cathartic.  I stand by all of it.

Honestly, I think I just feel freer -nasty thought that sounds.  I suspect sis does too.  Strange things, life and death.

 Flush

You won.

?